The first time I watched the movie ‘The Black Swan', I was 7 years old. Naturally, I didn’t understand anything and didn't think much of it, because at the time it was too complex for me. I forgot about the movie and always assumed it was some kind of horror movie that didn't have much meaning to it. A little background before I get into why I decided to have this movie as the topic of my first blog post, I have been a classical dancer for around 10 years now. Over the past few years, I have started to take the art of Bharatanatyam more seriously and have pushed myself to go beyond my limits every time I dance. One day, I decided to reward myself for being productive by watching a movie and relaxing. Little did I know that this decision would change a lot about me and who I am as a person. I came across the movie Black Swan and remembered my first experience watching the movie when I was a child. I decided to give it another go, as I was significantly older and thought that I would be able to understand it better now. To this day, I have never found myself more disturbed and comforted at the same time by a movie, as I did with Black Swan.
The movie Black Swan follows the story of a ballet dancer, Nina Sayers - played by Natalie Portman - who dances for a famous company in New York. It takes us on a journey, starting from her being picked as the swan queen to watching her lose herself and transform her character from the sweet innocent girl who plays the white swan to the sensual and powerful girl suited for the role of the black swan. There are many elements in the movie that play into what makes it one of the greatest movies of all time, in my opinion, but this blog post is more about my feelings about the movie rather than the movie itself. One of the things I have to mention is that the main character Nina suffers from a kind of schizophrenia. As the movie progresses, the stress that builds up in her causes her mental condition to get worse, which also plays a major role in her character transformation into the Black Swan.
When I watched the movie for the second time, with a deeper understanding of what the film was trying to convey, I started to understand why this movie was so critically acclaimed. The cinematography, for instance, was done so beautifully. They perfected every detail down to the very colour palette of the movie as it progressed. In the beginning, we got to see a lot of pinks and other mild and gentle colours to portray Nina’s character as a girl who could only play the role of the white swan. As the movie progresses, we get to see darker tones symbolizing her transformation as a person. Natalie Portman's acting changes from being soft and sweet to portraying a lot more power and sensuality towards the end, when she quite literally becomes the Black Swan. The soundtrack of the film does an excellent job of drawing out and intensifying the viewer's feelings, while also providing a sense of unease for them. The movie centres around Nina's obsession with finding perfection and eventually finding it by letting go of that obsession. The reason I was so drawn to this movie the second time I watched it was due to how much I could relate to Nina Sayers as a person. My obsession with getting movements right and getting all the angles correctly often makes me less expressive as a dancer, just like Nina. I push myself and ignore the injuries it causes me from time to time, all to chase that idea of perfection I have in my mind. Like the ballet director in the movie constantly reminding Nina to lose herself, I have to remind myself of it too, so I can express myself more while dancing. The way she pushes herself to get picked and sees anyone else as a threat to her position, the way everything she does in her everyday life has something to do with ballet, the way her mother pushes her hopes and dreams on her and the way she eventually kills herself when she achieves that perfection, even with small things like the way she finds herself practising moves over and over again, running the same angles over and over again. Struggling to express herself because of her focus on the more technical aspects of the dance, every single thing I watched on the screen was showing me a more extreme version of myself. I saw myself in Nina when she said she wanted to be perfect. I saw myself in her when she killed herself to achieve it. I saw myself in her as the stress that came with her role changed who she was. I saw myself in her as she lost herself.
All in all, it was a very uncomfortable movie to watch, for obvious reasons like the gore, but more so, because it showed me the possibility of what I could become. However, at the same time, for once, I felt understood. I found comfort in the most uncomfortable way possible because I felt seen. My irrational chase for perfection was finally validated.
The intense emotions I went through while watching the film brought me to tears because, through it all, in some way, I saw myself in Nina Sayers. The iconic dialogue “I was perfect”, was more than just a line in a script to me, it was the ultimate juxtaposition of emotions, a sense of comfort mixed with a sense of discomfort.
Black Swan is a movie everyone should most definitely watch. If you can't relate to it like I did, then congrats on being mentally stable, but watch it anyway for its symbolism and cinematography, and if along the way it makes you see the Nina in yourself, then the movie has truly delivered, and maybe it's time for you to see a therapist :)
If you made it this far THANK YOU SO MUCH <3
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